I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize