i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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