hotel room ftw
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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