haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
