dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
