dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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