seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
