If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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