My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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