Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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