no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize