I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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