I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
