went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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