he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
