I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
