Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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