i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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