so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
