This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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