There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
