I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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