After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
