i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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