i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
