i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
