Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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