Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize