getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize