I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
