Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize