When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
