its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i think i just lost a toe
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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