I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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