you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize