Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
