Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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