I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
