Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
