Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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