I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
