the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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