history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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