chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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