"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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