shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We were destined to go to rehab together
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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