My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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