Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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