I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
