Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
