got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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