I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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