I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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