I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
