Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
