he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
