On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
