I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize