Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
