Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
