After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
