I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
