Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize