Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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