Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
