Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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