how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
