bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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