I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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