Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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