I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I am available for nakedness
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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