If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
